Thursday, June 7, 2012

Daddy Is An Asshole

If we're friends in real-life, or if you're privy to my personal facebook page, you have probably already heard most of this story. BUT, since most of the whopping number of blog followers I have (what is there, like five of you?) aren't a part of my inner-circle of awesome, I thought I'd share....

In my time on this Earth, I've squeezed out three glorious, fat-headed (no, seriously, just ask my pelvis) spawn, and have a step-daughter to boot. The youngest, Lyric just turned 3 a couple months ago. God broke the mold with this one. He came out pissed. No, seriously, this kid came out swinging...

In three years, not much has changed....

The most notable difference is that now, he can talk and we've learned that he inherited my uncanny ability to verbally karate-chop! He's also a bit of a whiner, as many 3yr olds are. My husband has many admirable traits. The ability to calm a pissed off child is NOT one of them. Recently, the husband kicked Lyric off the computer. (Yes, my 3yr old can navigate his way on my laptop better than techy-stupid I can) Lyric was not happy. Michael (husband) got up and walked away, mocking the child *very maturely* in the process. 

Lyric says to me - "Mommy, why does daddy make my heart so sad?" ** Yeah, he played THAT card!*

Michael - (In a different room, mumbling under his breath) "Because Daddy's an asshole". 

20 minutes later, all is forgotten and Lyric had moved onto something else. OUT OF NOWHERE - Lyric looks at me and whispers "Mommy, Daddy is an asshole". 

**Pause for dramatic effect**

Of course, rather than correct him on his use of such language, I lost my shit! I learned the meaning of stress-incontinence while I pissed myself laughing! ... Thinking it was an isolated incident, I changed my panties and continued about my day. Later on, Lyric was once again pissed at his father for something or another. 

Attempting to distract him, the husband says to the three year old - "Want an orange buddy?"
Lyric (Without missing a beat) - "You eat the orange, asshole". 

**Pausing, so that you can go pee, or change your panties if it's already too late for you**

Now that I know it's not an isolated incident, I do what any mother would do - I laughed some more! Hey, if he were calling ME an asshole, it'd be a different story. But, he's not - he's calling my husband one, so I'm totally okay with it. The following day, all is forgotten. Michael has him outside, driving his power-wheels. Lyric comes storming inside, pissed off, yet again about something or another. Michael comes inside shaking his head and tells me that I just missed it! ... Apparently he pissed the 3yr old off AGAIN (see a pattern here?) And Lyric promptly hopped off his power-wheels and walked his ass inside. Trying to figure it out, Michael asked where he was going. Lyric - "I'm going inside because you're an asshole daddy".

Yep, I was a proud mother! I'll cut to the chase and share a few of the events that followed over the next several days/weeks. I'd like to point out that small kids often repeat 'bad' words, but rarely use them in the proper context. Lyric uses it properly every time! Except, for when he's using it as a term of endearment... which you can read about below. 

Day 3 of Daddy's an Asshole - Michael, Lyric and Destiny (step-daughter) returned home from Destinys softball game (I was at Braxtons (Eldest spawn) baseball) Lyric was screaming when they came in, and continued for twenty minutes (I have no idea about what) ... so ten minutes later, when he had finally calmed down, I approached him and said....
Me- "hey buddy"
Lyric- "Daddy's an asshole!"
That was it! And so, it continues.....

Day 4 of Daddy's an Asshole - Lyric wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, and wants to sleep in my bed. When I ask if he wants to lay with Mommy or Daddy, he says...
"I sleep with mama. Daddy's an asshole. "

Day 5 of Daddy's an Asshole - (It happens about a dozen times a day at this point, and I'm still laughing my ass off/agreeing with him each time)

*Lyric in need of a new pull-up (will this kid EVER poop in the potty?)

Michael- "Come on buddy, let's change your butt"
Lyric- " No change me Daddy"
Michael- "If you dont let me change you, you're going to bed"
Lyric- *get's in changing position*
"You're an asshole Daddy!"
Michael- "Well, fine! Mommy can change you then"!

Day 6 of Daddy's an Asshole- 

Michael is bitching and whining about the room being too bright. Mockingly, I say to Lyric who is sitting in my lap...

Me-"Lyric, Daddy's a girl".
Lyric - "No, Daddy's an asshole"
Day ??? of Daddy's an Asshole -  
@9am, Lyric and I go into the kitchen to make lunch. (Yes, I know that's early for lunch, but he wanted it and we've already established that I have a problem denying him.. so get off my back about it) 

Pointing to a picture of Michael and I, Lyric says..
Lyric - "That's my mama"
Me - "Yes, that's me, your mama."
Lyric - "That's my daddy asshole".
Me - (giggling) "Yes, that's your daddy"
Lyric - "My daddy's an asshole. I 'loves' him."
Me - (Now laughing loudly, I bend to kiss his forehead...) "Yes, you love your daddy"
Lyric - "My daddy asshole"

** He just used the term 'asshole' as a term of endearment for his father. 

LAST DAY of Daddy's an Asshole - It's all fun and games 'til your kid embarasses you in public. So, Michael goes to pick up Lyric from preschool. They're outside, having story time. Michael stands back, so not to interrupt. When it gets to Lyric's turn, the teacher says to him...

Teacher - "Lyric, do you have a story to tell?"
Lyric - *stands up* "Ya, my daddy's an asshole" 

And THAT was when I finally began correcting him, and quit laughing (as much) when he said things like that. We've replaced 'asshole' with 'poopie-head' so.. that's improvement right??

Some other funny shit I had on my personal facebook about my kid...

  • Lyric decided to take up mini golf. Except he cant get the ball to go in the hole. Improvising, he decided it best to instead use the club as well, a CLUB and attempt to bludgeon the ball to death. Primal sounding grunts and screams can likely be heard at a great distance. Don't be alarmed- its just Lyric "golfing" / working out some aggression issues

  • Random yellings from my family room...
    Braxton to Lyric - "quit putting your balls on my head!"
    He says this muffled because the three yr. Old is actively T-bagging the ten yr old!

  • My in-laws gifted Lyric with an iPod touch for his third birthday. I personally didn't endorse this, nor did the other older kids who want, but don't have one. I'm also not at all surprised that less than two weeks later, it is "hiding" - meaning Lyric lost it. And this, people is why children shouldn't receive tiny, expensive pieces of technology before they have mastered NOT crapping in their own pants...

  • While in the laundry room, I hear several loud BANGs! I come out to find a mutilated, deflated Chuck E Cheese balloon (The likeness of the mouse) on the floor with a prideful looking Lyric standing over it's body. 
  • Me - "Lyric, what happened to your Chucky balloon"? 
  • Lyric (holding a plastic ball bat in his hand) -  "I made it die mama. "

    What the bloody hell? He's all cracked out, wont nap and is now killing shit. Just bloody great.

  • My two year old just gave us his list of demands for his 3rd bday next week:
    Buzz Lightyear toy- okay.
    Dinosaur toy- sure.
    Cupcakes- no problem.
    Play lots of games- you've got it!
    Be a big boy- you know it!
    An iPod- wwwhhhhaaaatttt???

And finally, I'd like to leave you with the greatest Easter photo ever taken. This was from 2011. I didn't even bother trying to take one this year, as there would be NO topping the previous...


  1. hahaha I enjoy your posts sooo much

  2. HOLY SHIT! This is HIL-AR-IOUS!!! (I'm not sure, but the t-bagging incident just might be funnier than Daddy's as asshole.)
    You, my friend, have your hands full! (As the mom of 3 boys, I can laugh as I say that...I've earned it! *grin*)

  3. These stories make me sound like a crappy mom. They really are great kids.... but they're MY kids, so I wouldn't expect any less ;)

    1. Not really. They make you sound like a mom with a sense of humor...which we need to survive our kids!