Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I understand, and I wish to continue.

That awkward moment, when you get home from a long ass shift, and try to plug your stethoscope into the wall in an attempt at charging your phone.... Ya, I've had a long day. I'm a sleepy girl. So! What better way to wind down than to tell you all about my masturbating squirrel/dog? 

Did I ever tell you that I have a dog? Well, I do although I use the term "dog" lightly. You see, I'm the proud and often annoyed mother to a 2 pound chihuahua named Bella. Or, Isabell when she's REALLY pissing me off. Before you go and make an assumption that I'm one of those dumb Paris Hilton bitches - let me explain a few things - 

1) I did not buy her. She was a gift. Because what woman doesn't love a gift that shits all over the place, right?? 

2) She is NOT one of those dumb dogs who's bread for it's tiny size, for fashion purposes in trade for having a tiny brain. No, she's just a runt. And just dumb. Her parents were full-sized and her litter mates (brothers) were full sized. She just got the shit end of the stick. 

3) She's practically handicapped by her size. She only has like 6 teeth because many of the baby teeth fell out and adult ones never grew in. Her heart is all jacked up and she can never have sex. EVER. Seriously. The vet told us that if we were to find a way to breed her, she'd have one pup and it would kill her. Luckily, she's apx the size of a chipmunk and therefore, can just never get it in. She, is not happy about this.

*Fun Fact* When she's in heat, her little midget vagina swells up so much that it basically turns inside out and becomes a penis for a week. Don't like that visual? Fuck you. Neither do I. 

4) She's horny. Like all the time. All that poor girl wants in life is to get laid. We have so much in common. 

In the past, I've found her having solo-play time with random objects like a random stuffed animal left on the floor, or my daughters fuzzy, expensive as shit slippers from Justice. Do you know what Justice is? It's the be all end all fashion line for little girls of the world. It's fucking terrible and everything that my little princess owns like OMG! So totally MUST be from Justice! $40 for a spaghetti-strap tank top that looks like it's from k-mart: fuck me! 

Several months ago, my three year old became obsessed with helping mommy clean. He picked out a feather type duster for just the occasion. It never made it to the blinds, however as it was immediately seized by my dog for her own personal satisfaction.

Bella has the hotts for the feather duster. The first time it happened, I thought she had died. Seriously. I saw her 'wrestling' with said green bringer of puppy pleasure for a while and then... suddenly... she died. Or, at least she did. What appeared to me to be my dog having a fucking miocaridal infarction (heart attack) was just in fact, her 'O' face. 

Allow me to elaborate....

So what I thought was just innocent puppy play went like this: Dog see's feather duster. Cupid shoots arrow directly into dog's anus. Dog roughs up feather duster. Ya know, because she's gotta show it who wears the pants and junk. So dog bites, shakes, jerks feather duster around for a bit. THEN! dog suddenly flips on her back and proceeds to do what appears to be having a seizure. I've since learned that it is in fact, dog rubbing her vagina all over feather duster in rapid cession for a few minutes before dieing. No, she didn't die. But I seriously thought she had. She stopped moving suddenly and I waited.    And waited.    And waited.    Finally, I gathered the scones to go scoop up what I thought to be my now DEAD dog, only to witness her jump the fuck up, look around in confusion as if to say "What? You do it too!" right before going back for round 2.    And then round 3.    And then round 4. .....   I counted that night. We got to 37 puppy-gasms before I finally stopped posting videos on facebook and took her boy-toy away from her before she rubbed herself raw. 

Why is this pertinent information? Well, because I just got home from a long shift of badness. (fuck you nursing) And first thing I do when I get home is always to let Bella out. Tonight, she was extra anxious to be freed from her confines. Instead of greeting me with love or vagina smelling kisses, or wanting to go outside, she just looked at me as if to say "It's about fucking time, bitch! I've got humping to do!" Which, is exactly what she did. For the past 20ish minutes or so. 

My dog gets more action than I do. My life sucks. 

Please, enjoy the following visual. I had to. It's only fair. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

How can you have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat???

Yup! That's right. I'm back bitches. I've been gone for a while now, due mostly to my perpetual laziness. That's the honest break-down, right there. This shit is hard. I mean... rambling incoherently  to an audience of zero to my peers... using spell check and shit. Watching Teen Mom in my pajamas... eating Cheeto's and drinking bud light... back breaking work right there y'all!

So why come back? Why now? Well, the catalyst was a convo I had with my friend "Dozer" the other day. No, that's not his name. It's a nickname by which I have no effing idea how it came to pass. Likely a play on his last name. Anyway, we were catching up and he asked me if I still do this shit. Pondering led me to look back and read some of my old posts. I came to two very important conclusions : 1) I'm fucking hilarious. 2) I miss the hell out of this. 

So, here I am. My apologies for anyone who genuinely enjoyed reading my nonsense. In the future, if I start slacking.. just hate mail me. That'll get my attention. 

Most of my former posts at least had some form of theme. Sure, maybe that theme was only in my head, but it was there, dammit! This, shall not. Enjoy the following, likely long as fuck set of random ramblings whilst I clear my head of all the cob-webs until I find my rhythm again :)

  • So, know what the best movie of ever is? Pitch Perfect. DUH. I literally watch it nightly. I need a fucking 12 step program for it. I was uber surprised by how much I enjoyed this slice of heaven. I thought it'd be all girly and shit, what with the singing and stuff. And ya.. it kind of is. BUT - know what else it has? Super, stupid hot nerd. That's what. Ya, I have a serious affliction for a hot nerd. Mmmm... talk binary to me baby! Wait.. don't. That gives me sad memories. Just take off your fucking shirt! While singing, of course. Ya. That's better. 

But no, seriously. That movie is the shit and you should watch it. Like right now. Like right the fuck right now. Wait.. after you're done reading my blog and telling me how amazeballs I am. THEN go watch it. It's effing hilarious, and you're welcome!

  • I started dating. It sucks. The end. Some day, my prince will come. And I shall punch him in the nuts for being so fucking late! 

  • My kids are still assholes. Surprising, I know. Recently, I had been bitching about the dog shitting in the corner. 11yr old wants me to give her away stating something about how it's not acceptable for just anybody to go to the bathroom in the corner. I cracked some smart-ass remark that apparently sounded enough like a dare to get him to excuse himself from the table, walk his skinny little ass over to the corner by the fridge and stand like he was peeing. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. Calling his bluff, and desire to never, ever let mom see 'the boys' ... I walked over to witness him zipping up, backing away with a very definite line of piss on my wall. HE PISSED ON MY FUCKING WALL! You probably think I beat the hell out of him, don't you??? Well, I wanted to but truth is, I couldn't stop laughing. I almost pissed my own pants while handing him the proper cleaning products. And then, posting publicly on facebook while he watched as a form of shame/punishment. 

Yup, still going for mother of the year. 

  • Oh, holy fuck! I literally JUST watched a preview for some really stupid looking movie called 21 and over... which features the hot nerd from Pitch Perfect. I dont know what his real name is. I don't effing care. He is Jesse. He is MY Jesse, and I'm totally sporting a toner for him. (Watch the damn movie and that pun will make sense) 

  • As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that shit! Most of my best material has been used up by the guy I was seeing. He who shall remain nameless... ugh... And the bestie aka Mare. She rocks my fucking socks with her giant glow-in the dark mutant radioactive propelling hulk penis and all her wankette twat punching. Ya, she's reading this right now. Ya, I love you Mare bear!

She's also my date for v-day. Know why I call it 'v-day' and not 'Valentines Day'?? because my version sounds more like and STD and that's kind of how I see it these days. All those pink hearts and perverted half-naked babies can go fuck themselves. I don't need any of that hooey. I've got Mare, Pitch Perfect, brownies, wine and a WHOLE LOT of shit talking to do. It shall be epic! 

  • I still hate spiders, fyi. But have had far, far fewer life or death experiences since moving out of the country. Thank Jesus. 

  • I also still like vodka, but it doesn't like me anymore after the Tyra pukes her guts out on New Years Eve debacle of 2012/2013.  

  • I still don't have a delicious, tall dark and yumm piece of sexy who conveniently can't ever find his shirt as a neighbor. This, is still bullshit. Who do I report this injustice to? The neighborhood watch committee??? 

  • I'm going to be a character in a book. A hot vampire. Ya, my life sucks, but it's cooler than yours. 

  • Oh... and I still like to drop the f-bomb. See! Not much has changed. 

Can't wait for next time! I seriously forgot how much I loved this shit!!