Monday, June 18, 2012

They Are NOT More Afraid Of ME

Real talk- I have me a serious case of arachnophobia. Serious. Many people call my extreme fear irrational because they're "harmless" and "more afraid of you than you are of them". Well, those people are full of shit, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about! 

First- they most certainly are NOT harmless! They have six fucking eyes, and eight goddamn legs! Not to mention the fangs... FANGS! Do you KNOW how much shit you can fuck up with six eyes, eight legs and two fangs? A LOT! What do you even need eight legs for exactly???

Secondly- they most the hell certainly are not more afraid of me than I am of them! Malarkey. Saying this kind of shit to my face will result in being promptly punched in the throat! Real talk. 

As previously disclosed, I live in the 'country' in Ohio. In my neck of the woods, we see a lot of spiders. The majority of them being an evil creature named the Wolf Spider. Quite aptly named if you ask me. 

Look at this fucker! Just LOOK at him! Does he look 'harmless' or 'afraid' to you? No! He does not!
Did I mention that these suckers can jump? Well, they can, and it's terrifying!
Again, in the country.. we get a shit ton of these. I spray as much as possible, but with our location and having kids in the house, limiting the chemicals I can use... they get by! The good thing is that USUALLY it gets cold enough in our winters to kill them off before they get the size of my hand. The bad news- it did NOT get cold enough to do that this past winter. So, hell on legs are all teenage-mutant-ninja-spider big and extra aggressive this year! Just fucking lovely! 

Now, as I said... I'm scared of spiders. Petrified really. I'm not talking about the daddy-longlegs or anything. I'm talking about that shit up above. Also, if there is a brown recluse, or black widow anywhere in my state, you can bet your ass it will find it's way to my front door. My family all gets a good kick out of my fear. When I scream in absolute terror, instead of asking 'What's Wrong' or doing what a real family should do (SAVE MY FUCKING LIFE) .. They point and laugh as piss runs down my legs. None of them fear spiders, so it would only be so that I am the one to always find them! ALWAYS! Also, my husband is the worlds WORST spider killer! They always get away! To further plot my destruction with their spider friends.. except now, it's personal and they're PISSED! 

Please, enjoy a good laugh at my expense with the following collection of my more awful spider encounters:


Several years ago, at halloween time... my kids had the fucking house LITTERED with those god-awful plastic spider rings. They come in orange and black, traditional colors. One morning while getting a kid ready for school, I plopped my ass down to help tie his shoe. Reaching back, I rested my hand on the floor apx. 3 inches from what I THOUGHT was an orange plastic spider ring. That's what I get for thinking. In reality, it was in fact a very real, very almost orange spider *origin unknown* lying in wait for me to drop my guard. Needless to say, there was yelling, screaming, crying and pants pissing. I lied to the elementary school office personnel when I had to explain why my kid was late for school. 

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

I have a dog. Well, dog probably isn't an accurate term. I have what people believe to be a tea-cup Chihuahua She's really just the runt of a litter of normal sized chihuahua's and was in danger of being eaten by the larger dogs in her house, so we took her in. Now, she's in constant danger of being eaten by everything else, including my 3yr old, birds of prey, and fucking spiders. You see, she has Small Man Syndrome. Because she weighs a whopping 2 lbs, she picks fights with absolutely everything smaller than herself. One night, she chose the wrong wolf spider to mess with. It laid the fuck into her, nearly tearing her paw off. It swelled to the point that her skin was nearly splitting. She also went into respiratory distress and was foaming at the mouth. For real. She made a full recovery with pain killers and benadryl, buy now has arthritis and limps on that leg. Tell me again how 'harmless' those creatures of death are! 

The Not So Itsy Bitsy Spider

One day, I was going through old clothes, so I could sort out what needed donated. About half way through the lot, I reached out and came back with a fist full of legs, eyes and fangs! I did what any sane woman does. I screamed "Oh My God!" Please, somebody help me" and other such things of the nature. While standing in the corner of the room, trapped... I heard the laughter start before anybody ever emerged through the doorway. My husband and all the kids responded to my distress call laughing out loud. Despite the fact that even my husband later admitted that it was the largest spider he had ever seen, it didn't stop him from teaching the then 2yr old to sing The Itsy Bitsy Spider in a mocking tone to me. Then, the two year old would say shit to me like "It's just a wittle spider, mama" .... I almost punched my own child. 

I'll Wreck This Fucking Car, I Swear!

Once, while in nursing school, I left the hospital, got in my car, put my keys in the ignition and then pissed all over my scrubs. Security was alerted by the sound of my screams. Literally. You see, the second I put the keys in the ignition, some large as fuck black monstrosity jumped from my steering wheel, onto my fucking face, dragging like 6 strands of webs with it. IT WAS GOING TO TRY TO EAT ME! Security killed the offending creature and sent me on my way, probably questioning if I was in fact, a nursing student or actually an escaped mental patient. 

A few months ago, while driving home, in a different car... I saw something on my black dash move. Yup! Another giant black monstrosity. However, this time, it quickly ducked inside a vent or something. My only options were to keep driving, and pray to the spider gods that it didn't try to pull shit like that one at the hospital, or to wreck my fucking car in an attempt to set it's ass on fire. Alas, being that I had a kid in the car, the second option was eventually vetoed, but only after serious weighing of pro's and con's. 

I Think It Eats Dogs!

One day, home alone with my kids.. I walked through the doorway from my living room to my kitchen. After I had made it about 2 steps into the kitchen, I froze. Realizing something wasn't quite right, I slowly backed my steps up, knowing what I was about to find.... Sure enough, the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen was just chilling on my wall, watching my ass as I walked by, about 3 feet up from the floor. Fearing for their safety, and not wanting to alert it, I quietly ordered my kids to their rooms. Reaching ever so slowly for my phone, I called my husband at work and demanded that he come home NOW! When he giggled and told me that he couldn't leave, I burst into tears, explaining to him how large it was, and how a spider it's size clearly eats dogs. I think it eats dogs! He felt as though I was exaggerating, so I toned it down, still sobbing and explained that it definitely ate stray cats, which is why we never see any around. - Clearly! Still, he would not come to my rescue (Some fucking white knight I have)   At this point, I had no choice- it had to be destroyed NOW, before it could get away and steal off with one of my children in the middle of the night. Fearing it's wrath, or getting too close - I first attempted to incapacitate it via chemical warfare. I emptied two hole bottles of hair spray, half a bottle of bleach bathroom cleaner, and eventually spray glue before I got it slowed down enough for proper squishing. Then, to prove myself sane, I left it's body right the fuck where it was, so that my husband would see how very large it was! Of course, I created the equivalent of a police barrier around it. Still... when he got home- IT WAS GONE! And I haven't had a good nights sleep since. 

Still think my fear is irrational? 


  1. I agree 100% it's rational. Those 8 legged fuckers are evil! And my family is just as bad as yours is. Or was. Now they just get pissed off when I wake everyone up at 2 or 3am because I find one in the bathroom or something and have no means of defending myself. I've put holes in walls throwing shoes at them, totaled a car because I was driving and one landed on my face, and have actually blown a hole through a porch with a shotgun.... totally not irrational.

    1. You, are my new hero! If I had a shotgun, I would have likely produced similar results as you have!

    2. lol! Now they've either been all locked up, or the ammunition has been very well hidden. Which is why I have to rely on my shoe collection and 20 years experience as an outfielder. And that really wasn't my fault--some smartass family member thought it would be "cute" to buy a ginormous remote control spider, put it on the porch, hide well out of site, and.. well, you can figure out the rest. They don't play pranks like that anymore, not even with those stupid plastic rings.

  2. no sweetie there's not a thing wrong with you, although commenter #1 might need to put the gun down. i have had a crippling fear of clowns since childhood. it was embarrassment to my mother because i would have a panic attack and throw up when i saw one. i now go to great lengths to avoid them as i can't spray for them.

  3. *stifling giggles* I cannot say a word about your fear of spiders, since I'm TERRIFIED of roachs. I've even gotten to the point I can differentiate species. Some only inspire sweating, while others (the kind you find in apartment buildings and scary neighborhoods) inspire full out hyperventilation, screaming terror! While 81/2 months pregnant with my second son (and roughly the size of the Goodyear Blimp) I somehow manages to do a backwards summersault UP the stairs to get away from one of these bastards! (And yes, they do in fact stalk me!)

    1. Backwards summersault UP the stairs while blimp size? Can I hold your gold medal?

  4. it's me again - new friend bev. i just wanted to let you know i nominated you for 2 blog awards. i think you are very, very funny. check out all the details on my blog.
    bev xx

    1. You, are my homie. I'd shank a bitch for you. But nothing too deep, I'm scared of doing hard time.

    2. girl, you know i'd visit you in the pen.

  5. ROTFLAPMFAO! Oh, I forgot you don't like that...
    Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Pissing My Fucking Ass Off!!!!!!!!!!
    Personally, can not understand this fear (I'm the one most call to kill the spiders), so can't say if it's irrational. But that last story of how the spider escaped that humongous police barricade you had around it really DOES creep me out. Maybe they are more powerful than I give them credit for?!

    Don't know where to go to vote on those nominations for the blog awards, but I MOST CERTAINLY would vote for you!!!!

    1. For reals, yo- I didn't even know there was a blog award to be won. But now, I MUST have it! Mwah-haha! Also, I fully intend on utilizing my 'white-girl rap' lingo for the rest of the day. Any and all replies MUST be read in that voice for proper appreciation. It's kind of a combo of Chelsea Handler, Reese Witherspoon, and Tu-Pac. Aight?

  6. I had a close encounter with an eight-legged furry bastard similar to this Fucker. I was not pleasant but he ending was a happy one - for me at least.