Monday, June 25, 2012

Sausage Fingers

So, what I WANTED to blog about today was the comical tellings of how my girl, Jamie had a dance-off with a midget the other week, while out for girls night. Unfortunately, several drinks in and my ass lost all ability to capture moments via cell-pic so I really have no proof to back up my claim. What I can tell you is that it was awesome. You know what? Fuck it! It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

So, this glorious piece of awesome, Jamie is my dear friend. Yes, I'm using her real name here as I think she'd not only appreciate what I'm about to say, bout would enjoy the claim to fame. You see... Jamie and I are often, one in the same. The kind of crazy, random shit that only happens to me, also happens to her. My favorite quality about Jamie is well, her boobs. After that, comes her off the wall ability to go from normal smiley white girl into homegirl with the snap of a finger. This chick has a potty mouth, a twisted sense of humor and is not afraid to cut a bitch. Yes, she is my soul-mate. IF Ohio ever legalizes same-sex marriage, I've got a ring on stand-by.

Now that the homo-erotic worship is over, let's discuss one of natures greatest anomalies - sausage fingers. I'm talking about midgets, or little people here. I'm all about being PC, but for the purpose of this post, I shall refer to them how ever the fuck I want mmm'kay? So.... It's Saturday night, and I haven't had a night out in EIGHT months! You think perhaps that this could be related to my violent tendencies? IDK. So, Jamie and I get all whored up and set out for what is sure to be a night of toe-blistering good times! We get to a local bar pretty early for the night, but I needed a damn drink and didn't want to wait. Walking in the front door, up toward the doorman   *By doorman, I mean creepy as fuck guy who looked at our ID's WAY too long before sweating all over my hand while writing an 'X' in such a manor that a Parkinson's patient could have done a better job. Seriously, he was like hand fucking me, it was gross. *      As we walk through the doors, I see in front of me, the back of what appears to be a small child, maybe ten yrs old. My first reaction was to get pissed. I'm all 'What the fuck? They let kids in a fucking bar?' Well, said child then turned, and revealed himself to actually be a not-so full grown man. I couldn't even guess how old he was, because it's impossible to tell and ya... I got drunk. Anyway, I live in a small town, so while this isn't front page news, it did catch me and my tipsy mouth a bit off guard. He was sporting a 'Staff' t-shirt. This of course meant nothing to me because douchebags of the world wear those fucking things just to try and look cool. It doesn't work. *You hear that guys? It doesn't fucking work!* As it turns out, he was actually staff. Well, I think so but we'll get to that in a bit.

Fast forward through a few drinks and some random dancing .... So ya know how everybody has their own dance style? Well, Jamie gets a little ghetto. I don't mean like booty bouncing .. Well, okay, I HAVE seen her do that a few times. I just mean she has this way with her hips and hands, I dont even know how to describe it. So in this establishment, there are a few solid pieces of awesome. One, a white guy who looks like Napoleon Dynamite with 40 lbs, who own the dance floor unashamed with his old-school moves. Another, a very large black man aka Papa Bear- who can get down like he's been droppin' it like it's hot all his life. And wi-man. I dont remember how it came to pass, but somehow my friend and I find ourselves on the dance floor with all three of these gems at once. First, wi-man and Papa Bear battle it out. while it was pretty awesome, it was also slightly alarming. Wi-man doesn't blink. In a day of bath-salts, I'm suspicious of anybody who doesn't blink and immediately begin fearing for the safety of Papa Bears face. A circle has formed to watch this David vs. Goliath dance-off. No winner was crowned as you really just can't choose ONE over the other! Losing interest, wi-man turns to Jamie. Never afraid of a battle... she throws down. What makes this funny? The whole fucking time, wi-man is doing that weird crotch-grab thing guys do while NOT blinking, and sizing up Jamies face for supper. Jamie responds with her own. I distinctly remember one hand going up, in a 'give it up to my homies' kind of way, while the other appeared to 'tap' dat ass. Knowing I couldn't hope to hold my own, I stepped back and enjoyed the show. The thing is, I got the distinct feeling that wi-man doesnt bat for our team. He was pretty much eye-level with her crotch, and never batted an eye. That's not a pun about him not blinking, he really just didn't seem to give a shit. Trust me when I say, she's beautiful so clearly, not only is he a non-blinker, midget, but I believe also gay.  **He must have been a puppy kicker in a past life because Karma is laying into his ass!

Eventually, my sides hurt from laughing so hard and we headed back to our table. Maybe a song later, somebody pointed out to me that he was, in fact staff, and was in the process of clearing the empties from our high-top tables. This, must have pulled at Jamies heart strings. She pointed out to me that she ever so kindly had pushed all of the empties toward the end of the table, so he would be able to reach them when he made his rounds our way. (Awwwww)

I'm going to peace out girl-scout at this point, and save my segways for another time. This story leads me to wishing to tell of the midget I saw in the stroller down-town once, My friends little sausage fingers, and all kinds of other random shit. But for now, I have Teen Wolf to watch. 


  1. Holy CRAP I wish I could have seen this! I need a friggin' visual! (Also? I may or may not have a slightly pathological fear-dislike-distrust of dwarfs...)

    1. I know, I know. I must better myself at drunken picture taking. It's not that the thought didn't cross my mind. It's just that technology becomes an unfriendly about two drinks in. Also, he might have gotten angry. Angry elves frighten me.

  2. nice posting.. thanks for sharing.