Monday, September 24, 2012

Super Nanny!

Okay, I'm taking a huge risk here. I know this is even more crass than even I normally divulge. However, I need to vent. 4Realz. Don't judge. Don't hate. Just feel happy that it's me, and not you. 

For reader reference, my kids are :
11yr old Boy AKA - B
7yr old Girl AKA - A
3yr old Boy AKA - L


That was me e-screaming in frustration. 

I love my kids. I love being a mother. However, I don't always like the little fuckers and today is one of those days. Today, I'm trying desperately to remember WHY I decided 
against selling them to gypsies or just leaving them on the side of the road with a 'free to good home' like I had thought about doing oh, so many times. 

Also, my browser is being a douche.
Instead of my cursor hopping it's happy little ass down to the next line like it's SUPPOSED to do, it will instead scroll on and fucking on for ya know, EVER. Bitches!

Why is my computer being gay? I'm sure it's not at all related to the entire fucking cup of coffee my spawn spilled on my cord. Noooooo. I know, that's actually not the reason. 
Truthfully, techy shit is just forever messing up for me for no apparent reason what so fuck ever. 

This is going to contain even more profanity than normal for me. FYI

So my little darlings are assholes. Really. The two oldest fight all the fucking time. I can't fucking take it anymore. And fighting over the computer resulted in a spill. Okay, spills happen. I get that
But this should not have. So I've yelled at B no less than fifty fucking times today for shit like hanging off the kitchen chair. (He's already broken one that way) over and fucking over.
And the fighting. And the eye-rolling. and the back talk. Seriously, I had to avoid violence all together for fear that I'd take it too far. When he was being a dick and fucking with A
during her earned computer time, and spilled my coffee all over the fucking place I flipped my shit. I also told him that if my comp was ruined I was taking his new TV back and buying 
myself a new comp instead. Little fucker. 

So I resort to the old clean shit and shut the fuck up punishment. Gave him 20 mins to get his room spotless. A the same. She's not an innocent party here. Then, I had a whole list of assigned shit for them to do that would occupy the rest of their night. I did all this in my very most menacing voice. But controlled my volume level so the neighbors wouldnt call the cops. 30 mins later I went down to check on his progress. Surprise surfuckingprise. NOTHING had been done. His room was trashed! And the fucking TV was on. Of course, I flipped my shit again. And took his remote and controllers. Made him get his ass up stairs and start scrubbing shit. Literally. I made him
clean toilets. 

At bedtime I suddenly realized I was out of milk. Shit. So, I loaded them all up to run to grab some real fast. By this time bedtime was shot to hell. Got back at 8:30 and 
gave him til 9 to finish the job or find a new fucking place to live. Okay, I didnt say that, but it was implied. What do you know? 9pm I go down to talk/hug it out with him and 
ohmymotherfuck nothing was done. STILL! And the goddamn TV was on! ON! 


That was it for me. Told him to assume the position while I got the spoon. AKA Im about to beat your ass. L, who has also been a complete dick today heard me say I was getting the spoon.
Started asking why I was going to hit his brother. Seriously? Well, I was NOT backing down. Got the spoon and headed back down stairs. Told L to stay put. He said he wanted
to watch me. Normally I wouldnt have allowed it but in a moment of rage decided it might put some fear into him as well so being the shitty ass mom I am today, I let my three yr old
watch me whoop my 11yr olds ass. hard. Then told B to brush his damn teeth and go the hell to sleep. That was it. No hugs. No I love you's No good night. Nothing. 

I've also been going back and forth with 'mommys not-so-little princess' all fucking day. She screws around non fucking stop. Non stop! a 30 second task will take this kid 3 hours 
unless I hold a bic under her ass. Also, she dicked around and ripped the fucking curtain rod out of the wall in her room. Do you KNOW how hard it was for me to hang that shit? 
Like really, really hard! I bled for crotch sakes. She did not get an ass beating but I"m considering waking her up and throwing one in just for good measure. 

And then, there's L. He's been in a state of total anarchy lately. Seriously. I know it's largely my fault. I'm effing tired dammit. I don't always put up the fight with him that I should.
But holy balls if that kid has one more 20min crying fit because i wont bend to his will I'm going to ship him off to a third world country in excahnge for a new pair of Nikes. If it fits, it ships motherfucker!

I'm seriously rocking worlds worst mom guilt right now with a side of I will NOT use duct tape. I will NOT use duct tape. I will NOT.... where's the fucking duct tape??

I believe in picking my battles with kids. As it is right now, I need to pick them all. But how do I do that exactly? I'd literally spend every waking minute punishing or yelling. 
Thats no fun for anybody. B has become such an ungrateful little shit too. So fucking entitled. Nothing I do is ever good enough. If I didn't legit have concern over his saftey 
and well being I'd tell him to pack his shit and go see if the grass is greener with his asshole abusive absent cradle-robbing father. Except the grass would be greener, to him.
he'd play PS3 all night, eat pop tarts and mt.dew and never move past a 5th grade education.

**Let the record show, I just did some editing here. I had continued on for a bit longer, but after cooling down, I came to my senses and removed content that just isn't appropriate for online. While entertaining to read, my morality got the best of me. Sorry peeps. **

I need supernanny. And vodka. 

Yes, I need to take swigs of vodka, while supernanny whips my kids in shape. 

I do everything for these little assholes. Everything. I don't do shit for myself. But it's still not good enough. 

Now that I've tainted your opinion on me and likely invited a fucking case worker over for a surprise home visit, I think I'll call it. 

Sorry for venting. Needed to let steam out before I just exploded all together.

**UPDATE: As of this morning, all is fine and well in my household again. The talk/hugging it out took place and went exceptionally well. Despite the fact that I was up late tossing and turning over yesterdays antics. In all honesty, I felt guilty for spanking the 11yr old. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-spank. Sometimes, a kid just needs their ass beat. However, I believe that if I'm doing my job right, I should be able to avoid physical punishment for the most part. Unfortunately, my being up late resulted in me over sleeping and eldest missing the school bus. We squashed our beef on the ride to school. I really do love my kids. Really. They're amazeballs. Wouldn't trade them for the world. But I'm not perfect and parenting doesn't come with a handbook. And kids don't come with an off button. But they should. 

1 comment:

  1. I personally think that although physical punishment is far less abundant as it was when I was a child, having been a bastard child myself and taking quite a few ass whoopings for well deserved tomfoolery…sometimes children just need put in their place, especially when kids are well taken care of and obviously from the sound of your rant very privileged. There is no sense in feeling guilty for disciplining your child especially when done in a non abusive manner to try and teach them a lesson. Letting kids always get away with everything or trying to dish out punishment like taking away video games and television doesn't really re-enforce positive behavior it just instills a "I will do this, for this" mentality. Child bribery just contributes to their sense of entitlement, this in turn creates a pseudo punishment facade. As you stated menacing idol threats only gets your kids watching TV and rolling their eyes. So I say let the corporal flow (within reason of your own bodily strength and confines of the law of course) because there will come a time when it literally will hurt you more than them! Before that time comes they had better know that what mommy says isn't just to hear herself speak, especially if your the only one doing the raising \ praising\ punishing by yourself or by the time they are teenagers you'll wish to high hell you had beat them more!