Monday, October 8, 2012

Oh No, They Didn't

I'm not entirely certain what the point of my painstakingly taking the time to type this all out. I'm fairly certain that nobody is reading, anyway. It's cool. I get it. It started off strong, got a good following, some good reviews, and then..... I got busy. People got bored. I get it. 

Well, fuck it. If nobody ever sees this but the lovely muah, it's all good in the hood. Consider this my e-diary or some shit like that. 

So... back to my title header- Oh No, They Didn't! That is in reference to some serious fuck-up-ery that just went down in my living room! 

Okay - here's "THE WARNING" ... If you've read any of my postings, you know what that means... This is the one and only disclaimer you'll get about my following words. And, after that, it stands and I don't give a shit if you have a problem with it. Hate me, e-mail me, talk shit. It's all good in the hood. HA! That is funny, in relation to what I'm about to type- you just don't know it yet!   

So, 'The Warning' is this : I am NOT a racist. Not. I know, I know, usually people only say that if they are in fact, a racist, and don't want to get the shit beat out of them by Shaniqua and her shoe... or they say that right before they say something that can be easily misinterpreted as being racist in nature... Which, I'm about to do...

So, A little back story- My birth mothers' side of the family is Southern. As in my grandma is an elderly southern white woman, living in Yankee territory. I say Yankee territory, because we live in North-West Ohio. This, has no impact on the fact that my bat-shit crazy, racist as fuck grandma lives smack down in the middle of the ghetto. Yup! She does. And hates it. But won't leave because she's lived there since the dawn of time and QUOTE: "I was here first" 

You see where I'm coming from, here? Well, it's 2012 and shit just doesn't go down like it used to. Also, having a mixed baby born into the family a few years back may have given her a fucking coronary aneurysm, but did eventually soften that old hag's heart. So, the old school southern living is in my blood. Paula Dean style. Fry it! That's the answer to everything in my family. 
-- Hungry? Got some taters? Fry it! Foot hurt, from the diabetes? Fry it! Liver full of fat and shutting down? Fry it! 

Shit! What was my point? Shouldn't blog and text at the same time. Or, blog, text, watch The Bad Girls Club, and drink a beer at the same time. Not that I'm doing that right now, or anything. Noooooo! 

Oh ya, my point - I have old, white, southern blood in my veins. This, means that it's required by genetic code that I list STEEL MAGNOLIAS as one of my all-time fav movies! Ya know, I'm talking old school Julia Roberts, Dolly Patton, Sally Fields, all wrapped up in a pretty package with a diabetic cry myself to sleep with my best friend bow. Good Shit. 

So, It's Monday night, the kiddies are in bed and I'm bored. Ya, I could be folding laundry or some shit like that but instead, I'm surfing through the TV guide. I see Steel Magnolias is just starting on the Lifetime Network, and I get my panties all in a bunch in excitement. Ya, I own the movie on DVD .. but having it come on TV is way better! Minus the commercials and deleted scenes, it's like God's way of saying "Hey, You! Watch this shit!" 

Of course, I quickly flip the channel and find myself perplexed. Expecting to find all these old white Betties griping and moaning about tomatoes and bird shit and different shades of blush in a wedding, I'm confused by what I see on my boob tube. Heheheh.. boob....  What I ACTUALLY find on my 'tube' is a bunch of black people dressed like the fucking Tanners. Ya know, Michelle Tanner. AKA - Sweater vests, white-people don't even wear that shit anymore - white clothes. 
At first, I thought that it must have been a TV scheduling mistake. That happens, sometimes. Or, I hit the wrong button. So, I go back to guide and yup! Still says 'Steel Magnolias' but then, I notice the year, 2006. Knowing this to be historically inaccurate, I continue reading. When I find the specific profile for the movie I'm trying to watch, but mother-effing Queen Latifa listed where I'd normally expect to see Sally Fields, I have a fucking conniption and go back to the movie to scoop it out for myself. 

I find the movie I WANT  to watch, but with different actors. It's a goddamn remake and I'm losing my fucking mind. Before I start breaking shit, I send the following text, verbatim to 'the boy'...

Okay.. I'm a racist. It's official. Let me explain:
Steel Magnolias: an all time fav movie. Old school Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton, Sally Fields.. a movie that old southern women of the world love and cherish. It's practically part of my heritage. 

Saw it on TV guide. Got excited. 
Turned channel and thought I clicked wrong bc it's just a bunch of black people dressed like white people. 
But it wasn't wrong click. It's a mother fucking remake with Queen Latifa. Same script. Just black people fucking shit all up. I don't know what to do. This is an abomination I need to contact my senator or stage a protest or go streaking or something. 

What do I do? How do I make this right? My mother is rolling in her grave and heaven help if my grandma sees it. She'll load her fucking gun. Seriously. 

I know what you're thinking - SHIT! That's a long ass text message. Yes, yes it was. I recieved the following response:

Lol. Watch Barbershop and laugh. That'll make em believe ur legit not racist. 

My response: 

No no no. I don't care if ppl think Im racist. Screw that. I'm just WAITING for the call from my grandma. She's bat shit crazy. And lives in the ghetto. Oh, fuck. I'm not going to get a call from her. I'm going to get a call from the Lima PD or the fucking hospital. It's the goddamn apocalypse. 




All joking aside, I'm seriously pissed. And, I just found my next blog topic ;)

1 comment:

  1. Oh they did, and I was pissed when I read about it a couple months ago.

    Why oh why do they gotta go there??
    I hate when they remake ANY classic. Footloose?? Really??
    Anyways, the ORIGINAL Steel Magnolias is my all time favorite movie, and it was sheer perfection. It was just stupid for ANYONE to try and remake it.....but.......a Steer Magnorias with some Asians might be a good time!! (now thats racism)