Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I understand, and I wish to continue.

That awkward moment, when you get home from a long ass shift, and try to plug your stethoscope into the wall in an attempt at charging your phone.... Ya, I've had a long day. I'm a sleepy girl. So! What better way to wind down than to tell you all about my masturbating squirrel/dog? 

Did I ever tell you that I have a dog? Well, I do although I use the term "dog" lightly. You see, I'm the proud and often annoyed mother to a 2 pound chihuahua named Bella. Or, Isabell when she's REALLY pissing me off. Before you go and make an assumption that I'm one of those dumb Paris Hilton bitches - let me explain a few things - 

1) I did not buy her. She was a gift. Because what woman doesn't love a gift that shits all over the place, right?? 

2) She is NOT one of those dumb dogs who's bread for it's tiny size, for fashion purposes in trade for having a tiny brain. No, she's just a runt. And just dumb. Her parents were full-sized and her litter mates (brothers) were full sized. She just got the shit end of the stick. 

3) She's practically handicapped by her size. She only has like 6 teeth because many of the baby teeth fell out and adult ones never grew in. Her heart is all jacked up and she can never have sex. EVER. Seriously. The vet told us that if we were to find a way to breed her, she'd have one pup and it would kill her. Luckily, she's apx the size of a chipmunk and therefore, can just never get it in. She, is not happy about this.

*Fun Fact* When she's in heat, her little midget vagina swells up so much that it basically turns inside out and becomes a penis for a week. Don't like that visual? Fuck you. Neither do I. 

4) She's horny. Like all the time. All that poor girl wants in life is to get laid. We have so much in common. 

In the past, I've found her having solo-play time with random objects like a random stuffed animal left on the floor, or my daughters fuzzy, expensive as shit slippers from Justice. Do you know what Justice is? It's the be all end all fashion line for little girls of the world. It's fucking terrible and everything that my little princess owns like OMG! So totally MUST be from Justice! $40 for a spaghetti-strap tank top that looks like it's from k-mart: fuck me! 

Several months ago, my three year old became obsessed with helping mommy clean. He picked out a feather type duster for just the occasion. It never made it to the blinds, however as it was immediately seized by my dog for her own personal satisfaction.

Bella has the hotts for the feather duster. The first time it happened, I thought she had died. Seriously. I saw her 'wrestling' with said green bringer of puppy pleasure for a while and then... suddenly... she died. Or, at least she did. What appeared to me to be my dog having a fucking miocaridal infarction (heart attack) was just in fact, her 'O' face. 

Allow me to elaborate....

So what I thought was just innocent puppy play went like this: Dog see's feather duster. Cupid shoots arrow directly into dog's anus. Dog roughs up feather duster. Ya know, because she's gotta show it who wears the pants and junk. So dog bites, shakes, jerks feather duster around for a bit. THEN! dog suddenly flips on her back and proceeds to do what appears to be having a seizure. I've since learned that it is in fact, dog rubbing her vagina all over feather duster in rapid cession for a few minutes before dieing. No, she didn't die. But I seriously thought she had. She stopped moving suddenly and I waited.    And waited.    And waited.    Finally, I gathered the scones to go scoop up what I thought to be my now DEAD dog, only to witness her jump the fuck up, look around in confusion as if to say "What? You do it too!" right before going back for round 2.    And then round 3.    And then round 4. .....   I counted that night. We got to 37 puppy-gasms before I finally stopped posting videos on facebook and took her boy-toy away from her before she rubbed herself raw. 

Why is this pertinent information? Well, because I just got home from a long shift of badness. (fuck you nursing) And first thing I do when I get home is always to let Bella out. Tonight, she was extra anxious to be freed from her confines. Instead of greeting me with love or vagina smelling kisses, or wanting to go outside, she just looked at me as if to say "It's about fucking time, bitch! I've got humping to do!" Which, is exactly what she did. For the past 20ish minutes or so. 

My dog gets more action than I do. My life sucks. 

Please, enjoy the following visual. I had to. It's only fair. 

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