Monday, February 11, 2013

How can you have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat???

Yup! That's right. I'm back bitches. I've been gone for a while now, due mostly to my perpetual laziness. That's the honest break-down, right there. This shit is hard. I mean... rambling incoherently  to an audience of zero to my peers... using spell check and shit. Watching Teen Mom in my pajamas... eating Cheeto's and drinking bud light... back breaking work right there y'all!

So why come back? Why now? Well, the catalyst was a convo I had with my friend "Dozer" the other day. No, that's not his name. It's a nickname by which I have no effing idea how it came to pass. Likely a play on his last name. Anyway, we were catching up and he asked me if I still do this shit. Pondering led me to look back and read some of my old posts. I came to two very important conclusions : 1) I'm fucking hilarious. 2) I miss the hell out of this. 

So, here I am. My apologies for anyone who genuinely enjoyed reading my nonsense. In the future, if I start slacking.. just hate mail me. That'll get my attention. 

Most of my former posts at least had some form of theme. Sure, maybe that theme was only in my head, but it was there, dammit! This, shall not. Enjoy the following, likely long as fuck set of random ramblings whilst I clear my head of all the cob-webs until I find my rhythm again :)

  • So, know what the best movie of ever is? Pitch Perfect. DUH. I literally watch it nightly. I need a fucking 12 step program for it. I was uber surprised by how much I enjoyed this slice of heaven. I thought it'd be all girly and shit, what with the singing and stuff. And ya.. it kind of is. BUT - know what else it has? Super, stupid hot nerd. That's what. Ya, I have a serious affliction for a hot nerd. Mmmm... talk binary to me baby! Wait.. don't. That gives me sad memories. Just take off your fucking shirt! While singing, of course. Ya. That's better. 

But no, seriously. That movie is the shit and you should watch it. Like right now. Like right the fuck right now. Wait.. after you're done reading my blog and telling me how amazeballs I am. THEN go watch it. It's effing hilarious, and you're welcome!

  • I started dating. It sucks. The end. Some day, my prince will come. And I shall punch him in the nuts for being so fucking late! 

  • My kids are still assholes. Surprising, I know. Recently, I had been bitching about the dog shitting in the corner. 11yr old wants me to give her away stating something about how it's not acceptable for just anybody to go to the bathroom in the corner. I cracked some smart-ass remark that apparently sounded enough like a dare to get him to excuse himself from the table, walk his skinny little ass over to the corner by the fridge and stand like he was peeing. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. Calling his bluff, and desire to never, ever let mom see 'the boys' ... I walked over to witness him zipping up, backing away with a very definite line of piss on my wall. HE PISSED ON MY FUCKING WALL! You probably think I beat the hell out of him, don't you??? Well, I wanted to but truth is, I couldn't stop laughing. I almost pissed my own pants while handing him the proper cleaning products. And then, posting publicly on facebook while he watched as a form of shame/punishment. 

Yup, still going for mother of the year. 

  • Oh, holy fuck! I literally JUST watched a preview for some really stupid looking movie called 21 and over... which features the hot nerd from Pitch Perfect. I dont know what his real name is. I don't effing care. He is Jesse. He is MY Jesse, and I'm totally sporting a toner for him. (Watch the damn movie and that pun will make sense) 

  • As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that shit! Most of my best material has been used up by the guy I was seeing. He who shall remain nameless... ugh... And the bestie aka Mare. She rocks my fucking socks with her giant glow-in the dark mutant radioactive propelling hulk penis and all her wankette twat punching. Ya, she's reading this right now. Ya, I love you Mare bear!

She's also my date for v-day. Know why I call it 'v-day' and not 'Valentines Day'?? because my version sounds more like and STD and that's kind of how I see it these days. All those pink hearts and perverted half-naked babies can go fuck themselves. I don't need any of that hooey. I've got Mare, Pitch Perfect, brownies, wine and a WHOLE LOT of shit talking to do. It shall be epic! 

  • I still hate spiders, fyi. But have had far, far fewer life or death experiences since moving out of the country. Thank Jesus. 

  • I also still like vodka, but it doesn't like me anymore after the Tyra pukes her guts out on New Years Eve debacle of 2012/2013.  

  • I still don't have a delicious, tall dark and yumm piece of sexy who conveniently can't ever find his shirt as a neighbor. This, is still bullshit. Who do I report this injustice to? The neighborhood watch committee??? 

  • I'm going to be a character in a book. A hot vampire. Ya, my life sucks, but it's cooler than yours. 

  • Oh... and I still like to drop the f-bomb. See! Not much has changed. 

Can't wait for next time! I seriously forgot how much I loved this shit!!

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